In My Head There's Only
by Kate-Emma
Summary: Complete - What it really feels like to be hurt, scared and alone but all you want to feel is nothing at all and why, no matter how hard you try, memories don't go away as easy as we'd like... Millie and Max.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own 'The Bill', DS Max Carter or PC Millie Brown. Unless Max is for sale… ;) I don't own the songs either.

**A/N: **My first Max/Millie read was an iTunes shuffle written by kelle144. I love it and I love the theory behind it, but I hate the songs (sorry Kylie, I don't care if you were on Neighbours, you won't get any love from me!) so I'm going with my own. Here's hoping it goes as well as the original. These are all songs from my Mallie playlist. I hope you see why I love them…

In My Head There's Only You…

Inspired by _'Mix Shuffle' _by kelle144_  
NB_: Based as a reaction to the storylines of 'Righteous Kill' and 'Smash and Grab'

We drift through this life and in it's time we meet a lot of people. There'll always be those that standout, that help us remember a certain place and time. He's the face that sticks with me when I think of Sun Hill.

I wish it weren't so

But we don't choose the mistakes our minds make

We're just forced to clean up the mess left behind…

… _even the best fall down sometimes  
even the wrong words seem to rhyme…_

People don't affect me. Unless they enrage me. Or bore me. Or make me shake my head in my own superior way. I know my flaws. I don't deny them. But then there are the moments when people surprise us and we realise we got them wrong.

I got her wrong.

But I won't admit that to anyone.

It's one of my flaws…

… _out of the doubt that fills my mind  
I finally find you and I collide…_

(Collide – Howie Day)

*

She hasn't read my file. She hasn't judged my past like those around me have. The DI. Stuart Turner. All judging on a basis of what they've read rather than who they see. I don't come across as complicated because I'm not. I just want to do my job. There are only a few things I can stand and only a few things that bring a smile. My job is one of them. And anything to jeopardise that gets eliminated.

Anything…

… _you love me but you don't know who I am  
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand…_

It's like having a conversation with a rock. That said, rocks don't often call you an airhead, but I can take what people bail out to me. Sure, he can say what he thinks, but that doesn't make him right. He doesn't know me. Those that do I call friend. Those that don't… well.

Roger tells me not to let his words get to me.

Nothing gets to me.

Well, that's the impression I like to give anyway…

… _you love me but you don't know who I am  
So let me go, just let me go…_

(Let Me Go – Three Doors Down)

*

I'd like to believe the whole Jankowski business was a wake-up call, a reality check that the things I do and say do impact on people once I walk away. But my brain just doesn't seem to work like that. It's methodical but it's not a thinker and completely devoid of emotion. Well, the emotions needed anyway. Where there should be compassion there's disinterest. Where there should be tact there's cruel wit.

The minute I called her an airhead I knew she'd prove me wrong.

Maybe that was what I wanted to see anyway.

A little part of me wants to be wrong? Or a little part of me wants her to be right?

I think I just like a challenge…

… _vindicated, I am selfish I am wrong  
I am right, I swear I'm right  
I swear I knew it all along…_

He plays mind games. Everyone knows this. It's like the old cliché of the enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a… what does it come wrapped in? A shell? A tough-talking, back-chatting, cruel-taunt-spinning shell that takes pride in making you feel about five inches tall?

I said I wouldn't let him get to me.

Roger's right…

I lie

He's a jerk for making me act like this…

… _I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well  
I am seeing in me now the things you swear you saw yourself  
Like hope…_

(Vindicated – Dashboard Confessional)

*

The minute I thought about telling him he was wrong, I knew then that it wouldn't end well. So much for a team. He shut my theory down without a word to the wise. I expected nothing less. But it wasn't about to stop me. He wasn't about to stand between my theory and my proof.

So I went out on my own

The only thing I proved then was that my own naivety would cost me so much more than the chance to prove to that infuriating DS that there certainly was something between these ears…

… _we've got something and I wish that you could see  
that alone we're nothing  
but together we could be unbreakable…_

The minute I realized she'd been there with them. Her jacket. The blood. I was racked with guilt. The third of only a few emotions I do possess. She'd gone off to prove me wrong, I knew that, and now…

I talked myself back, like I had done before and would do again so often in the future.

It hadn't been your fault she'd gone off on her own.

She was capable of looking after herself.

She'd put herself here.

It doesn't take the guilt away…

… _if you feel like you're falling then come with me  
and I will try to give you all you need…_

(Unbreakable – Evermore)

*

My hands shook as I held my palm out to him and suggested he put the gun down. He knew he was surrounded. In some senses it made it easier to coax him down. In many senses it made it harder. What was to stop him shooting me right here and now?

My eyes brimmed with tears and memories of everything that had happened. Toy shops, white vans, Jade getting shot. Would she be alright? A mix of blurred images and I couldn't even see the faces looking back at me as a voice I recognized as belonging to Will Fletcher rushed forward. Then Roger was there, telling me I was going to be fine.

Then another…

I registered his voice.

But I didn't care.

And with my final sentence I reminded him that he was wrong…

… _cut your losses and run, you knew how come  
you knew that you were fading…_

She could barely stand, her face scrunched up in a mix of relief and anguish. Roger Valentine held her to her feet as her eyes blurred in a mix of thoughts. She spoke of Jade, who was fine, then Curtis. She was right. She's always been right.

But I couldn't say anything else.

I turned my back on her and walked away…

… _something's gotta go wrong, you knew how come  
you knew that you were fading…_

Nothing mattered anymore…

I was alive…  
She was alive

(Cut Your Losses – After The Fall)

**A/N 2: **I hope you understood who was saying which part. Most isn't hard, but to clarify it's Millie then Max in the last two sentences. I hope you liked it anyway. If you don't know the songs then that's what Youtube is for! Give them a listen.

Please, rate and review if you liked it. I love the feedback.


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